I never bathe in murky water. There is a long list of imperative conditions for the possibility of my swimming.
It is necessary: -that the water is clear -that there are no waves -that there is no need to walk long time in the water to reach the adequate level to swim -the outside temperature is high -that the water temperature is moderate -that there are few people -that I feel comfortable enough to dare wander in my almost naked body.
The last time the doctrine was able to be fully applied it was during the fall of 2016 during a week in Formentera with a friend who is no longer. We came on a vacation for a few days off season, it was still very hot, the sea was calm like a lake and warm like a bath. The tourists had deserted. Up to the shore I went around in my bikini bottom and dove gracefully into the translucent water of the Spanish Mediterranean.
Since I had my daughter, I don’t even dare to wear high-waisted jeans. My whole body has softened, motherhood has eaten my muscles, my nerves and parts of my brain - It left me with a little bitter taste which I often swallow but which however frequently spurts like a long after party vomit. - I look at my child and I feel my bold heart which has escaped from the general weakness of my flesh.
And you, your motherhood, describe it to me.
Berlin April 27th 2020.